we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
