you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
