just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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