he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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