My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
