So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
