Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
