there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
