i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
