Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
