I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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