Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
