I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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