Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
