I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
