Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
