I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
