She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
