I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
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