There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
