My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
