How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
