My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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