Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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