You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Randomize
