My hand turned me down
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
