I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
