i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Alive.
So much puke
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
