I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
