My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
