My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
