Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
