the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
