i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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