Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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