i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
