i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
