I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
