I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
