On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
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