do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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