I cannot find my penis.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
