worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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