No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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