don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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