Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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