all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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