I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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