you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
