i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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