I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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